


Did you know?

by last_ARKangel



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, F/M, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:16:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7014514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_ARKangel/pseuds/last_ARKangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Did you know?"<br/>"I didn't know it was them."<br/>"Shoot me, Rogers! Did you know?"<br/>"Yes."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I don't deserve you

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a little fic I started off writing because a good friend of mine needed motivation to finish her final essay for university. I told her I'd write it and here I am. She and I are both Stony trash but still we love our angst too much to give them a fairytale ending. I will warn if there are triggers in a chapter but otherwise best to stick to the ones in the tags. I will edit if any change though. Ships are bound to change as the story goes but the ones I know for sure are there currently. This might also change.

_"Did you know?"_ _  
_ _"I didn't know it was them."_   
  
Was that just the excuse he would use to protect the man he loved or did he use it to protect his own heart. Tony had been so eager to just ignore his pleas, break the trust that was supposed to be what their relationship was all about.   
  
_"Shoot me, Rogers! Did you know?"_   
  
Rogers. No Steve. Just Rogers. Could he really blame the other man? Tony had been beaten to the punch his whole life, a long laundry list of things he had to pick the slack up of. All that filled his head was the memories of how he had tried his hardest to prove to Tony that he would never walk away. That was all thrown away when he spoke that single syllable affirmative.   
  
"Yes."   
  
The fighting was long earned but as his shield slammed down into the armor, the look in Tony's eyes of surprise were the least of his worries. It was the guilt that hit him, a thought that had he been a better man he would have let Tony kill him. Bucky lay there missing an arm and Tony was a broken mess beneath him. He had made the choice. Leaning in slightly, gaze averted from Tony's, he whispered the words he should have said so long ago, "I never deserved you, Tony."

 

_“That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it! My father made that shield!”_

 

The words cut even after all he had done but he knew he couldn’t deny with supporting Bucky he had thrown away more than just the man he loved. He had dishonored his fallen friend’s memory by carrying the shield made for him. The shield fell with a loud thud, echoing across the base. No turning back now. Tony had made it clear he was no longer the man who had fallen for the Stark heir. Burning bridges was just an old hat by now to the Captain. Steve had always been a fan of the old tried and true methods even if they lost him all he cared about deep down.

 

_“I’m trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.”_

_“You did that when you signed.”_

 

Another glass of the finest liquor money could buy tipped back down the man’s throat. There had been a time when the man had given up alcohol altogether but when he had watched Steve walk away like there was nothing but Bucky, it had torn him further into shreds. Steve had believed he had not deserved Tony and Rhodey had been the first to let him know that it wasn’t Tony’s fault. But dammit Tony knew it was. His own guilt had seeped into his decision to sign the Accords.Ultron had been his fault. Not even the almost sacrifice he had made in New York could get the man to feel less guilty over destroying the twins’ home. So many dead innocents, their blood painting him head to toe in crimson. Another drink down and another tally for why Steve was right and he had been wrong.

 

_“I saw how dangerous my weapons were in the wrong hands, so I took control.”_

_“You chose to do that. If we sign these accords, it takes away our right to choose.”_

 

Control. It had become almost an obsessive idea that he needed absolute control over what happened when the Avengers were sent out into the world. Then he had let them seal the fate of thousands. Zemo had pointed that out oh so clearly. The Accords were supposed to make everything more regulated and safe. Instead it had led to half of the Avengers being made prisoners. Correction. Escaped prisoners now. A part of Tony smiled at that. They had only done what they had believed in. They had been right.

 

_“I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry. Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should... So no matter what, I promise you, if you need us - if you need me - I'll be there.”_

 

There it sat in his hand, the phone Steve had sent him. Leaning back against the wall of his room, eyes looking out at the skyline. New York looked so peaceful without all the worries he had rolling about his brain. A bottle, half empty, sat beside him while the glass he had just filled was in the other hand. Taking a sip, Tony flipped the phone open and started dialing. Lifting it to his ear, he let it ring. All it took was hearing the call be answered to start the tears sliding down his cheeks. “Tony? Are you there,” Steve’s voice clear as it had been when he’d walked away from the base in Russia with Bucky. A few seconds passed before ultimately Tony closed the phone and ended the call. Turning it to silent before he threw it across the room, blatantly ignoring it move a little as Steve tried calling back. Tony Stark had nothing he could say. They had both been wrong but he couldn’t face the man he loved. Not now and maybe not ever again.

  
And so Tony drank. One habit Steve wouldn’t nag him about again.


	2. Where is the restart button on my life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months have passed since Tony made the call and heard his ex-lover's voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where the fic slowly reaches for the Mature rating even if it isn't quite there yet. I promise it will happen but I like a slow burn with my fics. Angst will be worse in the next chapter I promise you.

**Three Months later...**

 

_ “Mister Stark, do you have any comment on the recent sightings of Captain America?” _

_ “Fuck off.” _

 

The middle finger usually gave the press the final hint for the time being to give him peace. Not even Happy had managed to intervene in time. Rhodey would later tell him that it wasn’t good for the image he had built up before as Iron Man. Tony had promptly told him to go to hell before chasing the words down with some leftover vodka that Nat had forgot in the kitchen. When he was alone the alcohol tasted better than ever, his comfort while he watched the phone lie there untouched since that one night. Steve had left a few voicemails that Tony had listened to when far from sober. They reminded him of all the times that he’d lost by taking a side and thinking that it would all go right for everyone in the end.

 

Seeing the Avengers who had sided with Steve caged like animals made the real impact.They were gone off the radar and he was still expected to pick up their slack where he could. The scattered Avengers would pop up every so often in the news with varying opinions on whether they were heroes or villains. That was why he drank. Tony Stark didn’t want to hear about who he had lost. The first few times he had seen Steve’s handsome mug on the tv, blurry and quick had driven him crazy. 

 

Sleep never came for the wicked so all the man behind the suit could do was stare up at the ceiling and think about what he missed most of all. The bed beneath his haggard body wasn’t the one he had spent far too many hours memorizing a certain super soldier’s body. It was clean free of memories and yet Tony couldn’t break from the hold Steve Rogers had on his heart. Too many times where they had just held one another. The first time together where Steve had been so hesitant, afraid he would somehow break his lover. The insight into the Stark man’s love life was clear, how much he had been used and abused by those he had loved in the past.

 

Pepper had been an exception but he had shut her out too often and in the end he’d lost her. Steve had been like a stubborn mutt and kept on fighting for him. Walls had been torn down as a result. Tony reassuring him he was not as easily broken as the captain thought. A hand slipped below the sheets as he caved, thoughts of the super soldier giving him everything he had thought he had never deserved from a partner. A faint cry as he felt himself come undone, then Steve’s name fell from his lips. 

 

Shame fell across the man’s face as he caught his breath. Tony felt dirty just thinking about what he had done. Steve’s name had been the one he cried out still after all that time.Pushing himself from bed, forcing his body to shower off what he hoped was guilt for slipping out of control. Flashbacks hit him hard as the hot water poured down his body. Sounds of skin on skin as he heard in the back of his head Steve crooning in his ear,  _ “Do it for me, Tony. Show me what you think of me inside of you.”  _ Fist pounded against the shower wall and he lost it. The tears flooded his face, mixing with the warm water. Even a goddamn shower could trigger his memories, showing just how unstable he had become. 

  
The Avengers were nowhere in sight and the man he loved had told him he would be there if he needed it. One phone call would end his suffering or more than likely drive the dagger through his heart over and over again. Drinking seemed a lot better without the loneliness it left behind when it was all said and done. So Tony drank and drank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small thanks to any of you who reads this fic. Been too long since I properly wrote anything. Excited to see where it goes though. As always comments and kudos are appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter one. Feel free to leave comments and kudos. Constructive criticism is welcome though. Thanks again for reading this, lovelies.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @ sassyresistancepilot


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